And we wait........

Fortunately we don't have to wait too long.  I want to be optimistic about the whole hearing - the lawsuit filed against the State of Montana in regards to Senate Bill 423 - I do want to be upbeat and believe the judge will find in our favor.

And I am very scared.

I have lived with pain over 30 years, spent the last 10 on huge doses of morphine.  Sometimes I'd need to get 1-2 shots of demerol in a week to help manage breakthrough pain.  After being on heavy narcotics (Fentanyl included) I have determined two things.

1) Morphine nearly works in relieving pain.

2) Demerol makes you so you just don't CARE that you are in pain.

And something I have recently discovered - AFTER TRYING MEDICAL CANNABIS:  I have a life!

Really - I am still working on getting up the strength to clean the house, do the laundry and enjoy some outside activities, but I didn't know I'd actually LOOK FORWARD to doing things!  I want to take a shower and I actually have the energy to get up and do it!  For the first time since I can remember, I'm getting up before 8am most mornings!  On all the narcotics, if I woke up by 10am, that would be a miracle! Some days I would surface and look at the time, then I'd be aware I'd done that again and again, and it would be nearly noon.  I don't have all the cloudiness now.

My husband and I have been able to drive around, go out for dinner (I have an appetite!) and take walks with each other.  He says it's "like night and day" and I have to agree with him.

So, as we wait for the case to wrap up, wait for the judge to render his decision, the whole state has stopped breathing.

Or so it feels.  I need to remind myself to keep breathing.  Now if only I could tell the opponents to medicinal cannabis to get their heads out of the ground, READ THE SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH, and STOP THE DISCRIMINATION...

Wow - I think I just did!  Next person on my "must tell" list - my father. I am accumulating the books and papers I believe I'll need to ward off any anti-pot stuff I know he'll share with me.  He's a recovering alcoholic and the anti-cannabis sentiments are rampant with him.  When he finds out - I am scared of his reaction but mostly because I won't be prepared to rebut his false beliefs.  If you have something that you believe might be a help to me and others who need to hear the TRUTH, please let me know!

And keep breathing - slowly and regularly.  Inhale... exhale...  it's gonna be okay.  Eventually.

And that I need to believe most of all.

What a busy time it's been!

In mid-December I decided to bite the bullet and interview a couple caregivers. The second person I called, Tom (name changed for privacy reasons,) seems to be the PERFECT fit and I am very lucky I was able to get in touch with him!  Almost immediately after I met with Tom I was called by another caregiver in the area and he really pressured me to tell him how much I was going to pay for my MMJ.  I am NOT going to say how much I am going to pay for my medicine!  I was so turned off by this guy - I hope I am not proven wrong in my decision.

Right after I had Tom sign my caregiver form, I dropped it in the mail.  I've been waiting for my check to clear and in the meantime I took a road trip to Phoenix to pick up my daughter and twin grandsons.  When we saw them, Jan 5th, it was nearly two months after I last saw them.  How they have grown!  Nate took to me almost right away, Alex took a while.  They come to me when they want a snuggle or are tired and it's so neat to have a baby fall asleep in my arms again.

The trip back was long but I've enjoyed having the boys here!  They traveled very well!

After I got back home I looked to see if my check to the state for my MMJ card had cleared.  It had!  I've been sick with a bad cold or flu (not sure which) so I haven't been able to call Tom to get my first medicine. I'm still very hesitant but after today I think I need something.  Really.  I don't know what I'm going to do first - maybe make some cannibutter - but I need to try something.  I still refuse to smoke it.  I've had a really tough time getting to sleep lately and I've had much more pain and nausea.  One night, while I was in Phoenix, I caught myself saying, "I'll bet some marijuana would really help right now!"  It's quite scary to me, that kind of thinking.  I truly hope I can find relief with medical marijuana.

A step in an uncertain direction

A few months before the election where voters of Montana overwhelmingly legalized medical marijuana, I asked my primary physician, Dr.D, where he stood on the topic. He told me it wasn't necessary and there was a synthetic drug, Marinol, that did what marijuana could and was legal. I can't recall his exact words, but it left me thinking he would never approve marijuana for me in a medical capacity if it passed muster with the voters.  He didn't even offer Marinol for me to try in my current treatment.

I don't have many secrets in my life and I am not ashamed to say I voted for the use of marijuana in a medical capacity. Having suffered through so many years with chronic pain and knowing how this pain has impacted my life, I wanted people in Montana (and the rest of the world) to have the relief brought by marijuana.  Upon saying this please understand I have NEVER used illicit drugs. Never. I have been in the same room as someone smoking pot once, for about 30 seconds, and that is the extent of my personal experience with marijuana.

Last week I decided to ask another doctor for his opinion and possibly get him to sign the physician's statement to obtain my medicinal marijuana card (MMC.)  I called the Montana Caregivers Network and talked to a really nice lady who told me she thinks I could be helped significantly by the use of medicinal marijuana. My doctor's appointment was set up for two days later.  I faxed my medical records and two days later I spoke with the doctor who has given me more hope than I've had in a very long time. He asked me if I decided on medical marijuana because of previous marijuana use, whereupon I told him I have never used marijuana, that the only things I know about it are what I've read on the Internet.  He asked if I've spoken to other medical marijuana users or caregivers (the people who grow marijuana for patients) about their experiences. I have read a lot of things about how to use cannabis and how to make tinctures, recipes for edibles, and the like, but I haven't talked to either those who grow marijuana for cardholders or someone who uses medicinal cannabis. I truly don't know if he believed me.

I was honestly shocked when he told me he believes I'd be a very good candidate for marijuana as medicine and said he would sign the form I need to submit to the state for my MMC.  He also said I would probably find edibles and tinctures work better and that he encourages his patients to use them. He told me if I have any medical questions to call and he'd answer them.

I felt a spark of hope in the dark world of pain I've lived in for nearly 30 years.

As good as it is to have that glimmer of hope, I have to say this is still really hard for me. It's hard to say, "I need help and it seems no one is willing to help me get it," or, "I need something so serious that in many places it's actually breaking the law."

I have asked about other tests or for other treatments but those have been denied.  The one request I am really shocked about having been denied is a morphine pump.  A morphine pump is about the size of a hockey puck and would put very tiny amounts of morphine into my spinal fluid, dealing with the pain.  AND I wouldn't have to take pain pills anymore! It would involve a short surgery and I would (hopefully) have less pain so I could have a life.

Instead, I am going to pursue the legal use of an illicit drug for the possible relief of the pain that has had me in bondage as far back as I can remember.  I will chronicle my journey and experiences here for others to read so they can possibly understand they are not as alone as they might feel.

Using medical cannabis is a huge mental issue for me. I do not yet know why, but I will explore that here as well.

You are welcome to come along on my journey.

What does one do when frustration builds?

I have had so much pain lately that I am at the end of my creative rope. By that I mean that I don't know what else to do so I can find some sort of relief from this pain.  I live day in, day out, with chronic pelvic pain.  It's about where one would experience appendix pain in early appendicitis - on the lower, right hand side of my abdomen. I have had surgeries to remove my uterus (hysterectomy,) my ovaries (oophorectomy,) my gall bladder (cholecystectomy... and I know that's not in the lower right of my abdomen but it was causing a lot of pain!) I have also had exploratory surgeries to see why I might be having pain both before and after the -ectomies I mentioned.

When I was 15 I was diagnosed with endometriosis. This is where the lining of the uterus somehow starts growing outside the uterus in places like the abdominal cavity or on the ovaries. At that time the doctor who did the exploratory surgery said I was the youngest case he'd ever seen. All I remember is it hurt all the time and was worse during my period.

Over the past few months this pain has gotten so much worse. I am beyond tears right now.  I don't know how many people know the frustration of going to the doctor, finding out the doctor is not in and someone is on call for them, then having THAT doctor say "I think it's all in your head," or "I'm not going to support your habit!" It is much too hard for me to deal with.

I have decided to get my medicinal marijuana card.  This decision has taken me a couple years to make. Montana has legalized medicinal marijuana but there are some problems.  Right now I want some relief from the pain I live with every day.  Even if the pain is decreased, allowing me to go to the grocery store or see a movie with my dear husband, that would be wonderful!  This blog will chronicle my life as I am pursuing a life with much less pain than I am feeling now.

If you have pain and can empathize with parts of this post, I am sorry you live with such a condition. I hope you will find relief and I hope Pain will become a condition in and of itself - not just something secondary to an injury.  The pain I've had has gone undiagnosed and untreated for so many years that I believe it has rewired my body so it always feels pain.  If, miraculously, a cause for this pain is found, I will be so relieved! I also won't be getting my hopes up that correcting the cause will alleviate the pain.

Off we go into this journey through the system - trying to find something to help me function on a day-to-day basis.  I hope you'll join me!