And we wait........

Fortunately we don't have to wait too long.  I want to be optimistic about the whole hearing - the lawsuit filed against the State of Montana in regards to Senate Bill 423 - I do want to be upbeat and believe the judge will find in our favor.

And I am very scared.

I have lived with pain over 30 years, spent the last 10 on huge doses of morphine.  Sometimes I'd need to get 1-2 shots of demerol in a week to help manage breakthrough pain.  After being on heavy narcotics (Fentanyl included) I have determined two things.

1) Morphine nearly works in relieving pain.

2) Demerol makes you so you just don't CARE that you are in pain.

And something I have recently discovered - AFTER TRYING MEDICAL CANNABIS:  I have a life!

Really - I am still working on getting up the strength to clean the house, do the laundry and enjoy some outside activities, but I didn't know I'd actually LOOK FORWARD to doing things!  I want to take a shower and I actually have the energy to get up and do it!  For the first time since I can remember, I'm getting up before 8am most mornings!  On all the narcotics, if I woke up by 10am, that would be a miracle! Some days I would surface and look at the time, then I'd be aware I'd done that again and again, and it would be nearly noon.  I don't have all the cloudiness now.

My husband and I have been able to drive around, go out for dinner (I have an appetite!) and take walks with each other.  He says it's "like night and day" and I have to agree with him.

So, as we wait for the case to wrap up, wait for the judge to render his decision, the whole state has stopped breathing.

Or so it feels.  I need to remind myself to keep breathing.  Now if only I could tell the opponents to medicinal cannabis to get their heads out of the ground, READ THE SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH, and STOP THE DISCRIMINATION...

Wow - I think I just did!  Next person on my "must tell" list - my father. I am accumulating the books and papers I believe I'll need to ward off any anti-pot stuff I know he'll share with me.  He's a recovering alcoholic and the anti-cannabis sentiments are rampant with him.  When he finds out - I am scared of his reaction but mostly because I won't be prepared to rebut his false beliefs.  If you have something that you believe might be a help to me and others who need to hear the TRUTH, please let me know!

And keep breathing - slowly and regularly.  Inhale... exhale...  it's gonna be okay.  Eventually.

And that I need to believe most of all.

Grow my own?

Something I feel that needs to be published LOUD AND CLEAR... How can people discriminate against someone because of the medicine that helps them?  I mean...

If I needed morphine, and my doctor agreed, I would NOT be allowed to grow the poppies that my medicine will come from.  I would not need to find a place that would allow me to grow my own medicine.  I would not have to reimburse someone what they are out for raising it for me.  I would not have to be COMPLETELY responsible for my medicine, yet this is what I am expected to do in Montana under Senator Essman's advice.

Why am I writing this? Because I am not able to grow a plant.  Really.  I've killed a cactus - and it wasn't from over- or under-watering!  Plants and I have a love-hate relationship.  I love plants and they hate it when I come near them.  I wish I were exaggerating.  Let me share with you an experiment my husband and I conducted...

We have a nice little house.  In front of our home, we both decided to plant some bulbs and have a wonderful spring garden.  Our order arrived and we each took one side of the front yard and planted our bulbs per directions from the nursery.  My husband's flowers have been BEAUTIFUL for years.

My flowers haven't come up.  The only thing that has come up are two bulbs - a tulip and a grape hyacinth - planted after they were broken apart.  I put them in the ground hoping they might grow one day but expecting nothing from them.  They have grown and flourished.  The other flowers I planted?  Nothing.  I can't even tell they were even there!  Anyone who pulls up to our home sees the beautiful flowers my husband planted.  My side of the house? EMPTY.  Dead.  Sad...

I feel that sorrow, especially when one is told, "YOU MUST GROW YOUR OWN MEDICINE."

Now, I am an intelligent woman, I know a little about a lot of things.  However, I do NOT have a degree in chemistry or horticulture and I will be the first to say when I don't know something.  I KNOW I am NOT ABLE to grow or produce the MEDICINE I NEED.  I need someone who can grow the cannabis for me. I don't have much money but I will pay for what I use - I do NOT expect someone to give me something like this!  I am NOT a person who is ENTITLED to anything other than the rights recognized by the government - the right to LIFE, liberty, the pursuit of happiness.

Those rights are being taken from me in the actions of our state legislature and the Department of Justice and Drug Enforcement Administration.  I fear my caregiver will be raided.  I fear my caregiver will lose the ability to grow and provide my medication.  This fear is something I wake up with every morning.

Please help those in your community by standing up to the government and saying, "BE REASONABLE!"  I am so disappointed that fear-mongering has caused an issue that has saved my life to become something that has so many untruths and falsehoods associated with it.  Please research the TRUTH, find FACTS, and PUBLISH THEM for all to read!  Write to your paper and tell them how you feel.  Stand with those of us who need medicinal cannabis and pray you'll never need a medicine like this.  When you need it, it won't be there unless you speak up and demand to be heard!

Sorry for all the capital letters - I am getting off my soapbox for now!

What I've been doing

I have been really busy with LIFE!  I can't tell you how amazing it is to say that!  This post, however, is due to the need to address medicinal cannabis laws in the United States.  I am writing an e-mail to my US representative, Denny Rehberg, R-MT.

This is what I've decided to send...

************************

As a medicinal cannabis patient in Montana, I am living in fear. For over 30 years I have suffered from chronic pelvic pain with no diagnosable cause.  I first tried medicinal cannabis about 10 weeks ago.  As of June 1st, I am finally off all the morphine I have had to take for well over a decade!  As for my decision to pursue the use of medicinal cannabis, I did as much research as I could before I decided to try it.   I will not smoke cannabis, however I believe people who smoke medicinal cannabis do so because it best addresses their symptoms. I have chosen to ingest it and this is where I am running into huge problems with the law of the state of Montana and the laws of the USA.  I have been given the right to use cannabis by my compassionate fellow voters and the benefits I have found (other than pain relief) have been wonderful!  I was able to attend my son's wedding in another state less than 2 weeks after I found a chemist who can make the tinctures and lozenges I need to get through the day.

What I am most afraid of is that I will need medicine after July 1, 2011, and I will find my caregiver either out of business or I'll find his business attacked by the DEA in a show of farce - and I say FARCE because I believe the Department of Justice and DEA both know they need to let alone those who grow and use medicinal cannabis.  What are people like myself supposed to do?  I cannot grow my own cannabis and I certainly cannot extract the medicines from the cannabis, as I am not a chemist and I do not have the equipment or the knowledge.

I know the American public overwhelmingly supports medical marijuana, and I'm writing to ask you, as my elected representative, to uphold your constituents' wishes. These bills are a simple and effective solution that would settle states' confusion over the implementation of medical marijuana programs once and for all.

The care and treatment of a person's pain, health issues, and quality of life should not be decided by politicians or voters - it should be decided by a physician and the person themselves.  A patients' quality of life should not be threatened by the executive branch's latest whims.  I believe you respect this idea and this is why I am writing to you.  I don't want other people to live in the fear I currently experience because of the laws related to medicinal cannabis.  That's why I'm asking that you support HR 1983, 1984, and 1985 which would unambiguously protect medical marijuana programs under federal law.

Please show the people of Montana that you respect their voice, their vote, to give people who have pain and other health issues the relief and compassion they deserve as a human.  Until the federal government decides to leave the cannabis community alone, we need your strong voice and your compassion to help us in this fight.  Please help us convey to the federal government that Americans - HUMANS -  have the right to live a healthy and happy life and until the federal government acts, those who provide and who rely upon this life-changing medicine need to be protected.

Please don't disappoint your constituents!
*********************************

I need to sit down and write up what has changed since I tried MMJ.  As you've read in my letter to Rep. Rehberg, it has been an amazing thing to come into my life!  I can honestly say I have never met more awesome and intelligent people than those fighting for the legalization of medicinal cannabis.  People who have immense compassion for others, yet will stand up and tell you where you are wrong.  It's done in a very loving manner and I am so grateful for these people!  I only wish, pray, hope, that this issue becomes moot very soon!

I made the call...

After having two miserable weeks with pain I haven't had for a long time, I opened my newspaper today to find it is FRIDAY!  I really thought today was Wednesday or Thursday. I did a little running around yesterday but nothing felt like it was a Thursday.

So I've been really fighting the past few days to find some relief from the chronic pain.  (I just had a thought that maybe I should give it a name - guess I'll toss that around for a while!)  I broke down and made the call to my caregiver.   I have never - repeat, NEVER - taken a drug that wasn't prescribed for me except some over-the-counter stuff for colds, headaches, and the like.  I reiterated that I won't smoke the medical marijuana, that I am most interested in edibles and I did talk briefly about using a vapor unit.  Right now I am in so much pain I can't really think straight and writing this is helping to take my mind off things.

Tom has someone to help him with his caregiving services.  His name is Ray (changed for privacy) and he was very compassionate.  I hope to meet with the two of them tomorrow and I'll have my hubby with me so I can get his input, although he's just as in the dark about this as I am.  I'll mostly be going on their counsel and prayer.

After I got off the phone I experienced more nausea but I don't know if that's due to nerves or the pain. I know the MMJ will help with the nausea, pain and the insomnia I've had lately.  Sleep during the past couple weeks has been rare - many meds I've been able to rely upon before haven't touched the sleeplessness.  I have thought (more than once), "Some medical pot would really help right now..."

This is still all very scary to me but I know I have two really compassionate guys to help me through this and my hubby is always there with the hugs even though he feels awfully helpless when he can't do anything.  I'll let you know how my first experience with MMJ goes.  Cross your fingers and say a prayer because I need them right now!

What a busy time it's been!

In mid-December I decided to bite the bullet and interview a couple caregivers. The second person I called, Tom (name changed for privacy reasons,) seems to be the PERFECT fit and I am very lucky I was able to get in touch with him!  Almost immediately after I met with Tom I was called by another caregiver in the area and he really pressured me to tell him how much I was going to pay for my MMJ.  I am NOT going to say how much I am going to pay for my medicine!  I was so turned off by this guy - I hope I am not proven wrong in my decision.

Right after I had Tom sign my caregiver form, I dropped it in the mail.  I've been waiting for my check to clear and in the meantime I took a road trip to Phoenix to pick up my daughter and twin grandsons.  When we saw them, Jan 5th, it was nearly two months after I last saw them.  How they have grown!  Nate took to me almost right away, Alex took a while.  They come to me when they want a snuggle or are tired and it's so neat to have a baby fall asleep in my arms again.

The trip back was long but I've enjoyed having the boys here!  They traveled very well!

After I got back home I looked to see if my check to the state for my MMJ card had cleared.  It had!  I've been sick with a bad cold or flu (not sure which) so I haven't been able to call Tom to get my first medicine. I'm still very hesitant but after today I think I need something.  Really.  I don't know what I'm going to do first - maybe make some cannibutter - but I need to try something.  I still refuse to smoke it.  I've had a really tough time getting to sleep lately and I've had much more pain and nausea.  One night, while I was in Phoenix, I caught myself saying, "I'll bet some marijuana would really help right now!"  It's quite scary to me, that kind of thinking.  I truly hope I can find relief with medical marijuana.

A lift to my day

I know I haven't written in a while.  I've been really struggling to decide on whether to send in my card application.

But as I was searching the interwebs I came across these awesome cell phone charms! How cute can you get?

They make me hungry for Christmas cookies!  Dipped in chocolate, a little whipped cream on them...

NOM!

However, the little crystals are THE BEST PART!

I hope you have a wonderful holiday season - peace and love to all!

A step in an uncertain direction

A few months before the election where voters of Montana overwhelmingly legalized medical marijuana, I asked my primary physician, Dr.D, where he stood on the topic. He told me it wasn't necessary and there was a synthetic drug, Marinol, that did what marijuana could and was legal. I can't recall his exact words, but it left me thinking he would never approve marijuana for me in a medical capacity if it passed muster with the voters.  He didn't even offer Marinol for me to try in my current treatment.

I don't have many secrets in my life and I am not ashamed to say I voted for the use of marijuana in a medical capacity. Having suffered through so many years with chronic pain and knowing how this pain has impacted my life, I wanted people in Montana (and the rest of the world) to have the relief brought by marijuana.  Upon saying this please understand I have NEVER used illicit drugs. Never. I have been in the same room as someone smoking pot once, for about 30 seconds, and that is the extent of my personal experience with marijuana.

Last week I decided to ask another doctor for his opinion and possibly get him to sign the physician's statement to obtain my medicinal marijuana card (MMC.)  I called the Montana Caregivers Network and talked to a really nice lady who told me she thinks I could be helped significantly by the use of medicinal marijuana. My doctor's appointment was set up for two days later.  I faxed my medical records and two days later I spoke with the doctor who has given me more hope than I've had in a very long time. He asked me if I decided on medical marijuana because of previous marijuana use, whereupon I told him I have never used marijuana, that the only things I know about it are what I've read on the Internet.  He asked if I've spoken to other medical marijuana users or caregivers (the people who grow marijuana for patients) about their experiences. I have read a lot of things about how to use cannabis and how to make tinctures, recipes for edibles, and the like, but I haven't talked to either those who grow marijuana for cardholders or someone who uses medicinal cannabis. I truly don't know if he believed me.

I was honestly shocked when he told me he believes I'd be a very good candidate for marijuana as medicine and said he would sign the form I need to submit to the state for my MMC.  He also said I would probably find edibles and tinctures work better and that he encourages his patients to use them. He told me if I have any medical questions to call and he'd answer them.

I felt a spark of hope in the dark world of pain I've lived in for nearly 30 years.

As good as it is to have that glimmer of hope, I have to say this is still really hard for me. It's hard to say, "I need help and it seems no one is willing to help me get it," or, "I need something so serious that in many places it's actually breaking the law."

I have asked about other tests or for other treatments but those have been denied.  The one request I am really shocked about having been denied is a morphine pump.  A morphine pump is about the size of a hockey puck and would put very tiny amounts of morphine into my spinal fluid, dealing with the pain.  AND I wouldn't have to take pain pills anymore! It would involve a short surgery and I would (hopefully) have less pain so I could have a life.

Instead, I am going to pursue the legal use of an illicit drug for the possible relief of the pain that has had me in bondage as far back as I can remember.  I will chronicle my journey and experiences here for others to read so they can possibly understand they are not as alone as they might feel.

Using medical cannabis is a huge mental issue for me. I do not yet know why, but I will explore that here as well.

You are welcome to come along on my journey.

I've Tried to be a Good Pain Patient!

Lately I've been reading "The Pain Chronicles" by Melanie Thernstrom and I've learned a lot about pain.  I strongly recommend this book to anyone who has pain or lives with someone who has pain.  I recently read a chapter about being a good pain patient and I have tried to remember times when I might NOT have been a "good" pain patient.  I couldn't come up with anything unless asking for different procedures or tests to find the cause of this pain constitutes being a BAD pain patient.

Having some medical background (former EMT, nursing student, and lifelong medical freak) I know how difficult it is for a doctor to take pain at face value unless there is some obvious injury.  I think that's what kept me from seeking help in the first few years.  My primary doctor, Dr. D., referred me to a doctor who specializes in rehabilitation and pain, Dr.P. What follows is something that occurred while I was seeing Dr.P for many years.  After this incident I have struggled to find the point where I was a bad pain patient.  Read on and I think you'll see why I say this.

I would see Dr. P, get my assignment for Physical Therapy (PT) or a new medication, increase in dosage, or some other treatment such as a TENS (transcutaneal electrical nerve stimulation) unit.  I would call his office after a specified period of time to report to his nurse and set up an appointment.

At the time when this happened, I had been on opioids for a considerable time (at least a year, probably more like 3,) and I called to report on the dosage increase. I would also get my next appointment date and time, per usual.  His nurse took my information, put me on hold (nothing new) and came back to the phone.

"When is my next appointment?"
"Just a moment..."  she put me on hold again...
Nothing new - really - the lady who ran the appointment calendar could have been busy and she needed to address something else.  I'm used to being put on hold in a doctor's office.
"Dawn?  Dr.P. said he does not want to see you again."

My jaw dropped.  "He what?"

"Dr.P doesn't want to see you again.  He suggests you follow up with your primary doctor."
"Why won't he see me?"
"He didn't say.  He just said he didn't want to see you again."

Now that I look back on this, it's like a junior-high-school boy (who has no balls) using some common female to break up with his girlfriend.  Wow.  I had the ULTIMATE respect for Dr.P until he wouldn't tell me WHY he wouldn't see me any longer.  He didn't tell Dr.D either.

I'm shaking my head, thinking how I have gone NOWHERE since my appointments with Dr.P - - well, except the increase in my opioids that Dr.D won't increase anymore.

Is THIS the way to treat a pain patient?

What does one do when frustration builds?

I have had so much pain lately that I am at the end of my creative rope. By that I mean that I don't know what else to do so I can find some sort of relief from this pain.  I live day in, day out, with chronic pelvic pain.  It's about where one would experience appendix pain in early appendicitis - on the lower, right hand side of my abdomen. I have had surgeries to remove my uterus (hysterectomy,) my ovaries (oophorectomy,) my gall bladder (cholecystectomy... and I know that's not in the lower right of my abdomen but it was causing a lot of pain!) I have also had exploratory surgeries to see why I might be having pain both before and after the -ectomies I mentioned.

When I was 15 I was diagnosed with endometriosis. This is where the lining of the uterus somehow starts growing outside the uterus in places like the abdominal cavity or on the ovaries. At that time the doctor who did the exploratory surgery said I was the youngest case he'd ever seen. All I remember is it hurt all the time and was worse during my period.

Over the past few months this pain has gotten so much worse. I am beyond tears right now.  I don't know how many people know the frustration of going to the doctor, finding out the doctor is not in and someone is on call for them, then having THAT doctor say "I think it's all in your head," or "I'm not going to support your habit!" It is much too hard for me to deal with.

I have decided to get my medicinal marijuana card.  This decision has taken me a couple years to make. Montana has legalized medicinal marijuana but there are some problems.  Right now I want some relief from the pain I live with every day.  Even if the pain is decreased, allowing me to go to the grocery store or see a movie with my dear husband, that would be wonderful!  This blog will chronicle my life as I am pursuing a life with much less pain than I am feeling now.

If you have pain and can empathize with parts of this post, I am sorry you live with such a condition. I hope you will find relief and I hope Pain will become a condition in and of itself - not just something secondary to an injury.  The pain I've had has gone undiagnosed and untreated for so many years that I believe it has rewired my body so it always feels pain.  If, miraculously, a cause for this pain is found, I will be so relieved! I also won't be getting my hopes up that correcting the cause will alleviate the pain.

Off we go into this journey through the system - trying to find something to help me function on a day-to-day basis.  I hope you'll join me!